3.

Hello 2019. (only 13 days late…)

It’s been awhile since I’ve written.

Reason being, I’ve spent a lot of time self-reflecting. Self-reflecting on 2018, things that happened (or didn’t happen), my own self and especially on how I handled things. There were times in 2018 when I thought I was making the right decision and jumped head first into situations that turned out not to be so great. I definitely realize that now, thanks to hearing “I told you so” a million times. But because of those situations, I wouldn’t be sitting here now making a list on how to better myself for this year and for the years to come.

Thinking of the future can be extremely scary for most people, especially when you dwell on the past. As for me and most, the past hangs over me like a dark cloud. Always dreary. Always there. It makes moving forward from anything so much harder.

“I should’ve said this.”

“I should’ve did this.”

“I should’ve bought this.”

“I shouldn’t have gone here.”

“I shouldn’t have called them.”

“I shouldn’t have procrastinated that.”

 

But I did.

You did.

It happened.

It happened how it should’ve happened.

It made who we are and what we are today.

Even if it was a mistake then, it could be a blessing in the future.

So that’s my goal for this year.

Looking forward to the future and all that comes with it. The good, the bad, the ugly.

Happy New Year!

-Carmen

 

“She is clothed in strength and dignity; she laughs without fear of the future.”

Proverbs 31:25

 

 

 

I want Jesus. But, also a husband. And kids. And a job. And an apartment. And, maybe a dog.

mysweetjesus

I want Jesus to come back.

I want to see Him, unveiled, face to face.

I want to live in the Kingdom illuminated by His glory and paved by streets of gold.

I want to experience Jesus’ perfect goodness, His deeper goodness.

But, I also want to get engaged. I want to experience the moment when that guy gets down on one knee and pops that long-awaited question, “Will you marry me?”

I want to get married. I want to plan my wedding, I want to pick out my dress, the flowers, the bridesmaids dresses, and I want to walk down the aisle, and finally say, “I do.”

I want to have kids. I want to experience pregnancy and pick out baby names and decorate the nursery with light blue or gentle pink.

I want to tell my kids about Jesus and treasure the sweet moments of tucking them in…

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2.

Anxiety. Seven letters. A couple of different meanings. A ton of symptoms.

If you google the word “anxiety”, you’ll find this definition.

“Anxiety – a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.”

You may even find this definition right underneath it.

“Anxiety- a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.”

For those who suffer with this disorder, you know that anxiety is more than just those definitions. You associate it with the uneasiness, the insomnia, the shortness of breath, chest pain, the lonesomeness, the irrational fear 24/7, etc. Or like in my case, the need to be in control all the time. It’s all of these things and more tied into one.

Now, I have suffered with generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder my whole entire life. I’m even starting to believe that I’m borderline agoraphobic. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve began to learn to explore different options to help ease these feelings and these attacks that I get. Besides me having this disorder, so does my mom and both of my sisters. It’s just something we have all had to deal with so we’ve grown to be accustomed to these things.

We’ve all learned how to somewhat cope with these attacks and we all have certain hobbies that can help calm us down. One of mine is cleaning. I absolutely love to clean. Doing laundry is just something that takes my mind off of whatever may be causing me to be anxious. I know, it sounds CRAZY but it works. It’s something that I can do to eliminate those feelings and it doesn’t require medication which I’m against. At a very young age, I had to take Xanax for my attacks. Then I was prescribed Lexapro and Hydroxine Pamoate. But, I never wanted to have to depend on a medication just to feel “normal”, so that’s when my cleaning obsession came into the picture.

But, even with all of these things that could help, I put myself into a category. Carmen = Anxiety. Carmen = Panic Attacks. Carmen = Impulsive Decisions. I believed that this defined me. I would always carry these things with me because it’s what I have always dealt with. Not saying that I still don’t struggle, because everyday is a battle. It’s like chronic self-destruction that can not be shaken. Even though I have these things that I fight against, it does not describe who I am as a person.

Anxiety does not call me by name. Worry does not call me by name. Doubt does not call me by name. Fear does NOT call me by name.

God calls me by name.

I am His. His child.

I am worth far more than rubies.

He has a plan for me, to give me a future and hope.

He knitted me together in my mother’s womb.

For I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Created in His image.

I am altogether beautiful, I have no flaws.

I am clothed in strength and dignity.

That is who He called me to be. Carmen = lively. Carmen = worthy. Carmen = His.

That’s what I’ve had to pray for. This understanding that I am more than what the enemy has tried to make me believe. But this goes for every disorder, every illness, every attack/battle that anyone faces. You are not your addiction. You are not your bad decision. You are not your parent’s failure. You are not your cancer. You are not your eating disorder. You are not your financial situation. You are not anyone or anything else’s. You are His.

-Carmen

“By the grace of God, I am what I am.” 1 Corinthians 15:10

1.

Hello!

This is going to be a rollercoaster ride. Why?

Because I’ve never been confident in my writing, grammar, or simply confident in
myself. I’ve never finished anything that I’ve started. But, over a year ago I attended a revival in Charleston, South Carolina. During the revival, I had an evangelist speak over me. She told me that God told her that one day I would write. Now, I have always struggled with trying to find out what my gift from God was. I know people who have been gifted with evangelism, speaking in tongues, or just having a healing presence about themselves. I would always think that maybe God just forgot about me. So, I didn’t think too much into what she said to me because it was totally something that I believed I could start as a hobby but never really do anything with it.

But, here we are. My sophomore year of college has been nothing short of anxiety ridden stress and spiritual warfare. I’ve felt defeated and “stuck”. I’ve tried deleting social media thinking that maybe I’m just distracted and not really focused on life. I’ve tried blaming  it on the people around me and even started to shut them out. But, I had to remind myself that there is a reason why I’ve been feeling like this. God has NOT forgotten about me. He is with me. He is for me. He is using this time of turmoil to show me that I can’t be in control of everything all the time. He has been trying to tell me to give it all to Him. Every tear. Every discouragement. Every panic attack. Every, everything.

So this is me, going out of my comfort zone. Exactly what God has intended for each and every one of us. We can’t be comfortable. That’s when we go through those episodes of depression, anxiety, stress, etc. We were never called to do the same thing everyday. If that was the case, God would have never called us to go make disciples of all nations. So, I pray that maybe this “blog” or whatever this is, can help someone. I pray it reaches out to someone. Step out of your daily routine. Try something new. Do exactly what scares you.

 

What are you called to do?

 

-Carmen

Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in various forms. 1 Peter 4:10